I Dare You to Let Me Be

Thursday - August 11, 2016

Day 1 of my solo trek back east to Kentucky - I have officially proved to myself that I can drive very long days by myself without too much trouble or grief. In my system were two slices of delicious spinach and potato quiche and a double double Cortado from Proper Grounds. When I had placed my order, I had actually been looking for twice the volume of a regular Cortado, but instead asked for four shots of espresso in one drink. It was a gnarly drink to be sure that carried me straight through my 9 hour day without any need for replenishment. I traded quick farewells with Colleen whom I would be seeing again in just two weeks. Though Kansas is relatively uneventful, I still enjoyed driving through it because of the big open skies. I arrived at Sheila's late in the evening, turning down dark Kansas backroads to get there. I could not have placed a better pit stop even if I tried - Sheila's home cut the 16 hour and 1,120 mile drive literally in half. After having worked with Sheila for about 8 months, it was such a joy and privilege to be able to meet her beautiful children and husband. I collapsed easily into bed and fell asleep filled with gratitude.

Friday - August 12, 2016

Day 2 of my solo trek back east to Kentucky - and I got dumped on in Missouri at the start which caused me to slow to a speed of about 35mph. Needless to say, I was incredibly frustrated. The anticipation building up for Jessica's wedding and the mini Sigma Delta reunion that would occur in Louisville was making me antsy and I was angry at Mother Nature for making my last leg so challenging. Thankfully, the second half of the day eased up with the rain and I arrived in Louisville at about 10pm to meet with Shay and grab a quick bite to eat. She had forewarned the group in a text message that she was going to slay with her outfit - and she did. I, on the other hand, was smelling of an old rank car covered in sweat stains with 8 hours of driving weighing on me - I am sure we looked like quite a pair at the bar. Patrick arrived shortly after, having gone for a jaunt around the city to do some exploring. Fully reuniting with Michelle and Ana was incredible. Once we settled into the hotel, I instantly threw on some tunes and our room was transported back to our college days. We bounced around to the music as old favorites by Missy Elliot, Busta Rhymes and Wiz Khalifa sailed through the air - booties were popping, clothes were changing and heels were put on as the tone was set. We nearly missed our window of opportunity to go out because we were having too much fun dancing together like old times and enjoying ourselves. In Louisville, we ended up in an Irish bar where the DJ was playing exactly the kind of music we were hoping to hear. The hours passed: Sweat fell to the ground and smiles were stuck to everyone's faces as we felt the bass in our bodies, fondly remembering each ladies moves and styles. We met some fantastic females who had just completed an assignment at a military base nearby. We joined them to pick up a few epic, late-night chili dogs from a joint four doors down the road and were happy to have done it. It was quite late by the time we arrived to the hotel, however I still felt energized from the activity. Whenever you find yourself able to relate to another person's lifestyles or struggles, it is always so valuable to take a minute (or three hours) aside to relate. Big shoutout to Patrick for the heart to heart - I hope it meant as much to me as it did to you.

Saturday - August 13, 2016

The morning after a late night of celebrating always presents a struggle when getting out of bed. Thankfully, the struggle was only due to fatigue and not sickness. We selected a brunch spot and arrived there in time for a late lunch. At the Garage Bar, we enjoyed delicious pizzas and coffees to get our engines rolling again. We were impressed with ourselves for taking an exceptionally short time (for five people!) to get ready and head downstairs to catch the shuttle. We ran into our beloved sister Julie who, of course, was assisting in some way with the wedding. Copper Kings was a unique and beautiful venue - in the daytime just a distillery, on this evening it was transformed into the setting for Jessica and Mike's union. Circular seating was built into the ground to encompass a fire pit where flowers were placed. Prior to the beginning of the ceremony, we reunited with Sonia and Heidi and all the rest of the bridesmaids, each one radiant in a dress of their choosing. As our friends and acquaintances began to walk down the isle, I was struck with an excitement that frequently comes with weddings. Jessica came down the steps delicately, almost as if in disbelief that she finally reached this moment where she would be joined with the man she loved for life. Watching her approach Mike with her mother and grandmother by her side was a beautiful moment - one I am sure that I will not soon forget. Afterwards, many of us commented on how we loved that the vows reflected promise of respect, equality and support. It is with great joy that we were all able to be present to watch such a special moment in our friends lives - it is possibly because of the positive atmosphere that I found myself so overwhelmed with love and happiness to be near all the women who guided me through my college career and beyond. Dancing ensued, but was not always the main point of focus. These weekends are always so short and never give us an opportunity to catch up with one another. Intermittent, but important conversations admitting faults, difficulties and obstacles were shared as we drew upon familiar roots for support.

While it is a beautiful thing that we were able to reconnect so seamlessly when we were together again, we all need reminders that, when the miles between us stretch and the days between seeing one another build, we can still reach out to one another for advice, venting or just for the sake of hearing a comforting voice. Our society is so relentless - the rule is to work and be worked. Those who work hard fear taking breaks, fear saying that they cannot, fear saying that they do not want to. We punish ourselves and are made to think that saying we will not do something is devaluing. Somehow, we need to change this perspective into one of acceptance. Sometimes it is important to push yourself to grow, but one needs to recognize the difference between expansion and collapsing unto oneself. Support from friends and family can help us to distinguish this difference when we cannot and we need to remember that it is OK if we cannot. Acceptance of our own limitations is key - in my world, ceilings are transitory. Today, this might be my breaking point but with help and guidance, tomorrow I may be able to stretch myself beyond what I thought I was capable of. Time and personal fortitude will tell.

The night came to an end in the most nostalgic way possible. While the physical trip to get pizza was happily accepted by the other passengers in the car, the trip down memory lane was begrudgingly received as Sonia and I belted it out to Adele's song "One and Only". There were countless nights back at RPI when we would drive around Troy in my car, fervently charged with some kind of feeling, playing this song on repeat until we became winded or we had forced all the bad feelings away through our hilariously bad imitations of the British artist. My dependency on Adele and my sister to get me through the tough times is a fond memory of my favorite way to release whatever gunk was clogging up my emotional arteries. I have since found new ways and additional people to lean on in my times of need. The lyrics of Adele's song now have different meanings to me when I chop them up into itty bitty pieces. The whole phrase goes: "I dare you to let me be your one and only". I dare any of my friends to let me be their confident and their support system. No matter the issue or hardship, if I do not know how to help you today, perhaps we can grow together to work through that pain and overcome it tomorrow. Cut down further, the lyrics go: "I dare you to let me be". Period.