There is an incredible power that comes with climbing that is unlike any feeling that I get from any other hobby...besides salsa dancing. Part of what is so wonderful about it is the preparation. You pull off into a parking area - sometimes it is a gravel lot, sometimes it is a paved road, sometimes it is in front of a local's home. Anticipation hangs in the air like electricity prickling hairs on the back of your neck when lightning approaches as you and your partner sort through gear, step into harnesses and pack for your day. Sometimes you check your guidebook. Other times, you know exactly what trail you need to take to reach your destination. As the wall comes within eyesight, the electricity continues to build. Crack climbing has become a punishing addiction. Insert your foot into the crack so that they are parallel to one another, torque your knee over, jam your hand in high above your head, tense your forearm and pull. Repeat. While the motion is gets repetitive, each subsequent move can differ depending on the crack and the climb. Sometimes it is a hand jam, sometimes a finger lock, sometimes a fist jam that you prey will not pull out. But it is not the mechanical, physical aspect of climbing that makes it unlike any other hobby.
The addiction comes in the fear - those moments of loneliness and frustration and hatred when you are up there on the wall, beyond earshot of your partner when you have no idea how on earth you are going to make the next move and you are pissed to the high heavens that you are not strong enough to pull it off. In these moments, we learn more about ourselves. We learn our limits, we learn how to persevere and push ourselves and we learn that sometimes we have to accept our shortcomings. The literal and figurative ups and downs of climbing can be difficult to overcome but that is the beauty of the lifestyle. It is what makes it so easy to make more climber friends - each and every one of us have a similar attraction to that spicy traverse, that pumpy overhang or that runout slab.
On Saturday evening, we were lucky enough to come across Andrew McGrath who had just drove in from such a stellar trip in Bend, Oregon that Jacquie and I are now obligated to go. Andrew introduced us to his friend Charlie, who was climbing in Squamish for the weekend with Jason and Erina. All fantastic people and very strong climbers. Erina and I enjoyed pairing off since we were so close in body type to lead up the tricky, technical walls in Chek. The trio was from Boston, MA and as a result we found that we had a number of common friends! The world can be so small.
When Monday came, Jacquie and I were finally able to tick the classic multi-pitch 5.8 trad climb of Shannon Falls. On top of Pitch 2 of Skywalker, commonly known as the money pitch, I cried. That corner crack did not give way easily and I took a fall before I managed to fight my way up it. As I belayed Jacquie up, I looked away from the mountain towards Squamish Lake and beyond. This was the return I had been waiting for more than anything else. This climb was the reason that I wanted to come back - to lead the hard pitch on what had been one of the first climbs I did when I arrived in Squamish the first time. The stinging in my eyes from the tears were relatively inconvenient since I was occupied with bringing Jacquie up, but it had to happen. During the summer of 2013, I was in the best climbing shape I had ever been. I climbed every weekend outdoors, making trips to the Adirondacks, the Shawangunk Ridge, Rumney, Farley and beyond. Squamish was the finale to my prior climbing career and those days of climbing with a calm and naïve mind are now far behind me. My trip ended with a significant injury to some tendons in my left wrist and what followed soon after landing back in Connecticut was the news that my brother was in the hospital due to an attempt on his own life with very little chance of recovery. Flying to see him made me hate the freedom and peace I had so selfishly indulged in when he was teetering and suffering on the same coast, miles away.
The completion of Skywalker on my own terms was needed to put some of my mind at rest, however as I sit here writing this blog...I find that I am still searching for more. More ways to push myself, be beside myself and look within myself to discover what else I need to put everything behind me. I am preying for my strength to come to me when I need it most - if you have made it through similar struggles to come out on top, give me some guidance so that I might be able to come to terms with my own.
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